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16 weeks

May 15, 2009

I was hoping that this was going to be a happy post…today I am 16 weeks 4 days pregnant. Today was the day I was going to come out of the closet, so to speak.

I found out earlier this morning that the baby died.

Again.

I don’t really have anything else to say. I think that the worst part is that I know what’s coming. I know what’s going to happen to me, to my marriage, to my family. Part of me welcomes it as if I deserve it…the part of me that knows that my body is defective in some way.

The rest of me is done, and really can’t endure anything else.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 15, 2009 9:37 pm

    I am so, so sorry. My heart is just broken with you. Don’t give up. I know it’s completely different but regarding you being ‘defective’ (which you are NOT)I know how you feel. When we had to give up our foster daughter I had this overwhelming sense of not being capable enough or deserving enough. I was crushed. That statement in your post reminded me of how that felt.I’m praying for you. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel.

  2. May 15, 2009 10:03 pm

    Oh Allie. I am so sad for you & your family. Just know that you are NOT defective and this is NOT your fault in any way. I am praying for you sweetie. (((Hugs)))

  3. May 16, 2009 1:07 am

    Allie, I can only say that I am so sorry for you. I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but I know its painful. Just know that we are here for you! I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  4. May 16, 2009 4:51 am

    Dad says he is as proud as a father can be of his daughter, her children, her marriage and her life. There is nothing defective about you! Hug your kids, your husband and remember all the love the world has for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

  5. May 17, 2009 4:57 am

    Aw, Allie.I don’t have words to express how sorry I am to hear about your baby. So unbelievably sorry. Just for the record, I’m going to repeat what everyone here has said, even though I understand you’re not ready to accept it: You didn’t deserve this and your body is not defective. You have two gorgeous, brilliant daughters to prove the latter. I know that probably isn’t a lot of consolation right now, but I hope you can accept that later.Take care of you. Please.

  6. May 17, 2009 5:12 am

    Allie,I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. I will be praying for you, your family, and your lost little one. Thank you for sharing your raw feelings. I know it will help other women who have gone through this same experience. Peace to you,Kiersten

  7. May 18, 2009 2:01 am

    Hugs- I am so sorry and will be thinking of you.Sheila

  8. May 18, 2009 1:30 pm

    Allie sweetheart, my heart goes out to you and wish I could be there for you IRL. I think defective is the last thing I think of to describe you! You are an awesome mama/woman/wife/friend no matter what! Don’t you forget that!I’m so sorry for your loss! I think of you often, hoping you can find some peace in all this. Hugs.

  9. May 18, 2009 11:00 pm

    Allie,I am so sorry!! I have been praying for you and your family!! You have also been in my thought's! You are NOT defective!!! You are an AWESOME person in every aspects of your life! You have 2 beautiful healthy girls, that you are a GREAT mother to!! Keep your head up & Take Care Allie!!Ericamah

  10. May 19, 2009 10:53 am

    I am so sorry Allie, you are in my prayers. 😦

  11. May 19, 2009 9:17 pm

    From Jacky in Australia,Dear Allie, Joel and girls, I am so sorry so learn of the loss of your son Max. Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this sad time. We know you will rocover because you are a strong and devoted mother and wife.

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